Stupid Student Reporting

I want to see my grades.

Nazis

Without much warning, they surrounded them.
With a sound like thunder, they grouped them together, blowing them hither and thither without care.
All treated like garbage. Why does it matter who takes joy from them? None were deemed worthy to continue existence.
They plowed over them.
Caged.
No escape.
Dumped into a pile.
Left on the road.
It was too late. No one could help now. There was no turning back.
The grounds keepers have finished their job. Leaf-blowers have eradicated the scum and joy of the earth.

Stunted

I can't wait to go to Heaven. I want to be able to be in a state where praising God is what I know how to do. I want to worship and express and love now, but I feel like I don't have an outlet. I want to dance and leap and move, but it's not enough. I want to smile and shout and laugh, but it's just not enough. Nothing seems good enough to express how I feel. I kind of think God understands this, but I want to express now. It's almost like I feel stunted.

I have heard people describe Heaven as a continuation of our current state with God. I hope this isn't true. I want to be closer than now, better than now, and more articulate than now. I desire closeness that I don't have now. I want a growth spurt.

The Rams Lost

But I got to use public transportation!

Guatemala Fundraising

God has blessed me through my friends like I did not expect.

"Don't fret the jouney."

"Enjoy it."
"Be an active participant in your life."
"Take risks."

I want to live more than I have been living. I want to not be afraid of doing things that aren't typical. I am tired of just following some unwritten code for what is acceptable for my life- high school, summer jobs, college, career. I want to not be afraid to do what I want.

I am going to Guatemala this January.
I flung myself across monkey bars Saturday, just to see if I could.
I am looking into an internship this summer to teach English overseas.
I made myself keep someone airborne on the teeter-totter for 2 minutes.
I really want to dye some of my hair blue.
Someday, I will hang glide.
Someday, I will see sequoia trees.
Someday, I will see Death Valley.

I will not just sit around Central Illinois all my life.
I will not wait until I am married to have someone encourage me to do the things I want to do.

I am encouraged now.

Newness is Exciting

One is permanent. . .

. . . the other is not.

Edit: apparently I was not nearly as clear as I had intended. The blue is painted on, the boots are permanent markered.

Soooo Embarrassingly Awkward.

Three of us were in my professor's office asking programming questions. We finished and were leaving to go fix things when my professor stopped me and asked me to stay to fix some problems with a previous program. So I did. Some lady walked in while I was in there, said something or other, and just sat in the back, waiting for him.

I get back to the other two in the computer lab and they tell me that while they were walking down the hallways after they had left Justin says "Oooh, Jess Haley and Dan Coulter alone in the abyss" or something like that. First of all, gross. Second, Cassie goes on to tell me that as he said that they passed Dan's wife coming down the hallway. She was the lady sitting in his office while I was there. I'm not sure if it was just coincidence that she sat in the back of the room the entire time, but it sure makes me uncomfortable now.

I enjoy We Swap Wednesdays

Scott cut my hair.
This was a mid-cut photo.
That's the bag of my hair donation.

Simplicity

After the All College Bike, I wasn't remotely sore, and I should have been. After my motorcycle ride yesterday, my calves hurt like crazy. Seems a bit odd.

I saw a hummingbird on campus yesterday.

I have seen a couple butterflies (or the same one a bunch of times).

It makes me happy.

My Schedule is Messing with my Head

I have had so much free time here lately. Several classes canceled, All College Hike, not a lot of homework, and homework that is not due until Tuesday/Wednesday next week makes for a very uneventful week. I have had so much excess time. I don't think I like it.

Partially, I have this awful feeling of stress; as though I should have been doing something, but have just been putting it off; as though I am going to regret all this not doing work. Partially, there's just no one around a lot. And when they are around, I don't know what to do, or they're busy.

Ugh. I just want my schedule to be normal and busy and awful again. Then, things will feel right. That probably isn't good.

A Moment of Silence, Please

As we remember Rej. My fish that died yesterday.

Tonight kind of Sucks

And my heart hurts to think about it.

I Can Only Imagine

I can't stand that song. It's slow and overplayed.

The other day, after one of the camps I was helping at was over, a bunch of the counselors all went out to Steak N Shake just to hang out and relax kid-free. It was late and we were really tired, and we ended up in one of those moods where absolutely everything is the funniest thing that has ever been seen/heard/said/smelled/or winked at (yes, we laughed for about 10 minutes about a wink). It was so much fun. On the way home, I was thinking about it and thanking God for people. I mean, there have been times during prayer that I've smiled and even laughed, but I've yet to laugh so hard I have cried. Which got me to thinking; when I get to heaven, will I? More importantly, when I see God, will I laugh so hard I pee my pants? I hope so.

kickle

That was my secret-word-confirmation-thing for setting up my new email from Greenville. I like it. Wish it were a real word.

And I hate computers.

;~)

I've decided that I need to learn how to wink proficiently.

Have you ever had someone (typically, for me, someone older) who has shared something special with you, and seals that special moment with a wink? It recently happened to me with a girl I work with, and I decided that I want to be able to make someone feel special like she made me feel. I want to be able to share that little something with someone. 'Cuz it feels nice.

Stupid animals

Animals I saw in the road today (broad daylight): turkey, deer, dog, cat, fox, and a bunch of random birds.

Guess which one I hit.

Seriously. Guess.

Oh, and you have 3 guesses.

Changes To Be Had

So the past 2 weekends, I've been at a Christian Performing Arts Camp (hereafter referred to as PAC camp). This is the place that, when I was a camper, I first encountered God and the whole idea of a Christian lifestyle. I always love going back to be a counselor, but this year was different and great.
For a while now, things have been off. I wasn't entirely sure what was up, but I knew something was wrong. I had been going to church, reading my Bible, attempting to pray, but still something didn't seem right. My prayers sounded hollow, and I almost hated asking for anything because it felt weird to ask something from someone I didn't talk to much. But still, I didn't really think anything was wrong. Then I went to PAC camp. I am not sure even what did it, but I was reminded of something I already knew. I had forgotten the whole relationship with God part of things. I realized that in an attempt to have in my view of God stuff only "real" things, shunning away anything that seemed corny or cheesey, I cut out the whole relationship. I don't know why I didn't notice it with the whole prayer part, but whatever. My faith had become more of a mechanical operation than something I wanted. But now, things are different. Still not how they should be, but I suppose they never will be. Now, my job is to find the way to redefine my faith; to find that balance between "real" and "corny". And I'm excited to do so. God suddenly seems real again. And I love it.

Dancing with Phil

This is a Joint blog by Blog brought to you by Betsye and Jess.

Today was my (Betsye's) birthday! Well sorta. It's actually July 31st but my friends threw together a surprise Birthday party (since Betsye is forsaking her friends to go do-good in China)! We went to Pizza Hut where I received the best birthday gift in the entire world. That's right, I got fake bling. (It's cheap looking and everything.) At first I was a little hesitant to like it but after thinking a bit I decided that I couldn't think of anything else I would rather have. Thanks Jess. (You're welcome, Betsye.) After that we went to one of our favorite places in the entire world. We finally got to go dancing. We tried to go last Tuesday but we sadly learned that Phil had changed the day. But we got to go tonight. I could have not asked for a better birthday party. The YMCA offers dance classes for 2 dollars for 2 hours with the old man instructor, Phil. I think he likes it when us young people come since it tends to be heavily old people populated. Anyway I think this has been one of my favorite birthdays ever.

It has been one of my favorite friend's birthday's as well. :~) After deciding on careers as professional wave-makers in my cousin's pool (we have to decided to start a company in making waves in pools, look for us in the next movie you see waves), I accidentally lied to Betsye about not seeing her until Monday. I hate it when people lie about surprises, so I felt guilty. In actuality, I kind of forgot she'd be there tonight, even though it was for her. Dumb and embarrassing mistake. (it's ok i forgive you) Oh well. And dancing was so much fun. I think we shall try to go again next Wednesday. (we will) Betsye and I even made up our own dance step. It's slightly reminiscent of ice skating pairs. Ask us to demonstrate sometime. HannaH and Drew had to leave early, so we got some quality time in with Phil. It was pretty much amazing. (Pretty much:))

Betsye was the highlight of my day.

She got hit on by a guy today in Pizza Hut. He gave her lemon water.

I Almost Cried

I pulled my car into the garage after work tonight (because of the hail possibilities). Not being used to parking there, I wasn't sure if I had pulled up far enough. I hadn't. I stepped back to get back in the car, and I hear a crunch. I look down, and there was a poor little toad. I ran into the house, and begged Jim, my stepdad, to pull my car up for me because I didn't want to look at the poor little toad I had killed. He came back in a few moments later, and said, "I think your toad's gonna live," as he held up his hand that had blood on it. He said he hopped away when he walked toward him. So apparently I didn't kill him. He may die later, but I didn't immediately kill him. But I did squash the pee out of him.

Ice

So here's a sad story. I have always heard that chewing ice was a symptom of anemia. I never believed it since I've been tested for that before. But now, since I've been on iron supplements for a while, I haven't been wanting to eat ice much anymore, which is quite disappointing. Almost makes me want to be anemic again.

I hate shopping.

But, I did get to ride the cart on the way to the little cart corale, earning myself a strange but amused look from some guy. This made me laugh at myself.
Then, I was told I was cute by this adorable old lady.
Plus, I received numerous compliments (including one from the lady mentioned above) on my Muppets lunchbox/purse.
So, I guess the trip wasn't a total waste. :~)

For the First Time in my Entire Life,

I saw a commercial for a product, wanted the item, then purchased the item (well, my parents did). I've never been so influenced by a commercial before. It was pretty life changing. Raisin Bran Crunch is as good as advertised, in case you were wondering.


P.S. MASH decided today that I will get married in the Atlantic Ocean to a homeless bum named Christian Bale. I wasn't too happy with who I ended up married to, and neither was Betsye or HannaH.

P.P.S. My house is scary at night.

Tree Poisoning

I climbed a tree yesterday. It was a really good idea at the time. But soon after the climbing began, we discovered it was a stupid tree, aka. a tree with spikes. So in my pursuit of fun, I ended up with a bruised leg, a cut and bruise on my arm, and a thorn still residing in my left hand such that I have lost some of the use of my pinky finger. I can imagine that you would not think this that dire of a problem, but let me assure you that I need that portion of my hand. I will just be grateful it is not in my right hand. I can't get it out either. So if I die from some strange poisoning, you can blame that dratted tree.

4-20

Happy National Pot Smoking Day, everybody.

and now. . .

I am out of Girl Scout cookies. But that is ok, since 4 of them contain 4% Daily Value of iron. And since I ate about 10, I'm doing ok. It's good for me.

Sometimes, I just don't understand

Why does God make Thin Mints Girl Scout cookies so stinkin' amazing?

Boo Drama

This weekend was so relaxing. No schedule. No bedtime. And nobody needing talked into anything. I'm tired of explaining my reasons to people; trying to fill them in on what they have missed. There's a reason they don't know all the details. They're not involved, and there's a good chance they don't need to be. It was so good to get away from the stress of drama. Drama is annoying. I'm taking some good advice, and I'm not going to try to persuade people anymore. Everyone doesn't have to know my reasoning, or even agree. I am responsible for my own life. I can make my own mistakes. (Thanks, Mom.) I'm going to live my life.

April 4th

I've never much cared for gardening. In fact, I usually claim to hate it. But I've been caring and hoping for my little plant so much. And it has started growing. Yay.

How Much Can You Trust the Weatherman?

It was time to put them away, so I did. Most of them weren't folded neatly away in their boxes as I would have liked. Instead, they were crammed and shoved out of sight. That season was over. New clothes were needed. The weather necessitated that. It was hard to see them go. They all fit just right and were so comfortable. But they had to go. So I tore them off, and into drawers, boxes, and trunks they were removed. Just as long as I couldn't see them.
Now, the weather is giving the impression that it is changing. I have no way of being certain yet, but I've let myself peek into what I used to have. I was at the point where I was ok with never wearing those clothes again, and most of them probably didn't fit anymore anyway. So I peeked. And now, I find myself daydreaming about the old clothes. I try them on, just for fun, of course. I've even shown a few people. I know it's silly, but I did it.
Now, what? The weather could change, but there's no way of knowing. I'm waiting to hear the weatherman, but what does he know? Uncertainty is eating me up, and it's annoying. I just want to know if I can get all those lovely clothes out again, or if I have to go through all the trouble of returning them into their dark places they were hiding. Too bad it doesn't seem like I can just get rid of these clothes. Anybody want them? sigh I do.

Street Skills

I just learned how to use a thermostat.

7 hours is not enough.

I hate that being tired just makes me want to cry.

Pink

Betsye and I played with Barbie's today.

3-14

Happy Pi Day! In 8 years, it will be 3-14-15, even better! :~)

PS~ At some farm thing I went to today, the speaker totally sounded like Kermit.

It's times like these that bring me close to actually hating life a little bit

I'm tired. And I'm tired of being tired. I want to be better. I had a good day the other day, but now I'm back down to a crummy one. My head hurts. Off and on, my body hurts. I'm so stressed. I have so much to do, and I don't know how I'm going to get the time, let alone the energy, to do it all by tomorrow. I'm so tired. And I know this is just complaining, but I just need to let it out. I can't just sit in my messy room (which I don't have the energy to vacuum, take down Valentine's decorations, or clean my poor fish) and cry about it. I need to say it. So I'm saying it here. I am so ready for Spring Break, sleep, and doctors.

Mmm. . . Good Morning

Yes, it may be 1 o'clock, but it's still technically morning to me. 11 1/2 hours of sleep will have that effect on a person. :~)

1

I totally rode a unicycle tonight!

Oh, the things you'll do in college. . . :~)

P.S. By rode, I mean I sat on it and clung to the couch and the hallway walls. The guy did say I'm braver than most people who won't even try!

Art

I went to the Art Institute of Chicago this weekend. Not being a huge art fanatic, I wasn't overtly excited or anything to be there. Things were fine to look at, though. There were fun looking machines in the corners of rooms, though, that were recording the temperature and humidity of the rooms. I felt a bit rediculous enjoying the scientific machine more than the art, but whatever.

There was one thing there I really really liked. Go here to see it: http://www.afterimagegallery.com/blind.htm
The quality isn't the best, but it gets the point across.

Everyone I've shown it to is really creeped out by it, but I really like it. It's titled "The Blind Musician" by Linda Connor. It's a photograph of an Indian man playing some instrument. What I love is how, from far away, he appears to be immersed in his music, with eyes closed, focusing on the sound. But when you get close, you see his eyes are really wide open, but he's completely blind. The combination of the two just strikes me as something incredibley beautiful. I love it.

A Paraphrase

"When was your conversion?"
"When a cop pulls over a drunkard, he doesn't ask the drunkard, 'at what point did you become a drunkard,' he says, 'you're a drunkard.' I used to feel ashamed that I couldn't recall the exact date I became a Christian like so many other Christians can. I can't tell you when my conversion was. Just know that I am drunk."

I concur.

Microwaves

Have you ever wondered what it looks like when an egg explodes in a microwave? Well, I most certainly have. Luckily, some friends had a microwave that was misbehaving, so they didn't mind exploding an egg inside of it. The problem was, they had already removed the lightbulb from the inside so they could watch the arcs from the metal they were also microwaving. So I got to see and egg explode while watching by the light of a coat rack knob arc.
Microwaving metal has been something that's interested me before. So we put all kinds of stuff in there: wires, a light bulb, a penny (not that cool), a cd (very, very cool), part of a switchboard thing, and finally, a can of spray paint.
Don't worry. We had a fire extinguisher standing by (but unfortunately, I did not get to fulfill the part of my dreams where I spray a fire extinguisher; that'll have to be another adventure). It was so much fun. It was really scary, and my roommate and I were really anticipating the door exploding open at any moment, and all of us getting sprayed with melted metal and radioactive carcinogens. The door ended up melting a little during the spray paint, but no big explosion. Just a lot of fire and some horrific smelling smoke.
It was the highlight of my evening. Maybe even the weekend. :~)

A song about a Misfit

I've been listening to Sufjan Steven's Seven Swans a lot here lately. I really like the song "A Good Man Is Hard to Find," but I wanted to know the meaning. So I searched google just to see what would come up, and it was talking about a short story by Flannery O'Connor by the same title. So I came to the library this morning and decided to read it. I really liked it. If you get the chance, check it out. I won't say anymore for fear of ruining the ending, but it's a good one. It makes me like the song more since I know what was intended as meaning.

So I concussed a girl today. . .

It was during cheerleading (I know, I know, don't hate/judge me). We tried something Kirsten had never attempted before. We were rushed. When we threw it up, it was uneven. I fell on her side, but I actually didn't land too heavily on her. I did happen to knock her in the head with my elbow, though. She was just laying on the floor. We were checking to see if she was ok. She was breathing heavily with her eyes closed, and we all assumed she was putting herself back together so as not to break out into tears because of pain. She opened them, looked around, and said, "what happened?"
She has a minor concussion, and is currently sitting though a 3 hour class with Larabee. Not the medicine I would have prescribed. [sigh]
So this is a very abbreviated version of what happened. Check with me for more details. I just found it kind of funny that I knocked out a girl on my floor. :~)

I went on a date yesterday. . .

. . . with Amanda Bethel. :~) Calling it a date just made it more fun. She had stopped by the other night, but we didn't have a lot of free time, so we made plans to go out for coffee the next night. It was really good to just sit and chat.
I've realized that it's usually really difficult to be content with just hanging out with girls. I usually prefer at least a few guys, and sometimes, all guys is great, too. But things have been changing for me, and I like it. I want to be around just the girls on my floor now. I'm ok with the idea, much more than I ever have been.
There are so many other things that are going great in my life right now that I prefer not to speak of here, but things are just really good. God is really amazing, and I'm allowing myself to see it for the time being. Plus, I just realized that it's been a long time since I've cried. :~)

What I Did Today:

• Changed my oil.
• Flushed my radiator.
• Sealed my radiator to prevent future leaks.
  
• Filled up on Anti-freeze.

:~) Isn't that exciting! I had asked my friend Randy a car question because I am (well, was) absolutely clueless about cars. He volunteered to take a look at it, and later told me some things going wrong in my car that are kind of a big deal. I asked if I could help him take care of it, and he let me! So today, after buying the necessary stuff, we worked on it!
I got to crawl under the car, and unscrew the plug screw (that's right, that's a real car term!). We drained out the old, yucky oil. Then I got to put in the new oil filter. After we put new oil in, we moved on to the radiator.
The temperature of my car was the reason we were lookin at it in the first place. It was fluxuating like crazy, and Randy said it was not even accurately reading my engine temperature. He showed me where the radiator fluid goes. Apparently, the fluid is supposed to be green-ish, but mine was definitely red. Randy said he'd never seen that happen before. I thought it was funny, but I think it is a big (not good) deal. :~) Oh, and it was really gunky when we opened the hose-pipe-thing. It had this nasty, brown sludge in it.
So we flushed out the radiator. It took three flushes to get the water to cease being pink-ish. Then we put this sealant stuff into the pipe because my car seems to be leaking anti-freeze. We put everything back together, and my car works great!
My heat works now! Before, it fluxuated with the temperature gadge, only oppositely. Now, it's all happy! I like working on cars. It would have been more fun if it wasn't so drattedly cold, but it's all good. :~) I want to change other people's oil now. I had a good day.

Music

I wish I could speak the way music feels. Without the words; just beauty. Flowing and rhythmical. Showing feeling and emotion and love in a way no one understands. I would love to be able to express myself through the beauty of a song. And I don't mean singing. I mean the way music lifts your heart and makes you feel lost, but in a good way. I can't begin to express myself the way music can convey feeling. It would be a nice skill to have with other people, but also, I'm just thinking about how nice it would feel to be able just to let it out. It would be an amazing experience. Just being free.

books

I've been putting off buying my textbooks. I wanted to make certain I had the absolute correct book before I spent that much money. Well, I need them soon, so I decided to buy the ones I thought I was needing. I checked my checkbook to see how much I had, and not only do I not have enough to buy the three I was going to online (not to mention another one I have to get at the bookstore), I don't have enough for the one that is the most discounted. {sigh} It actually really upset me. I'm not used to being short on money. I don't know how I'm going to buy all my books. So now, since I waited so long, I am going to have to spend even more money at the bookstore. This just reinforces the fact that I hate money.

tears

I've gotten good at crying in public without anyone noticing. I had not known how well I had honed this skill until this weekend. Twice now, I have cried in front of people, and they had no idea. When I feel it coming, it's like I can turn it off, but the tears are still in my eyes. I can't blink or else they will escape. After a few moments, they can't help but begin the path down my face. But even then, no one notices. Half of me wants to keep it concealed; to suffer alone. But the other half wants desperately for the person next to me to glance over and see the glare in my eyes or the route down my cheek and show care and concern. I almost want to sniffle and wipe my cheeks obviously, in an attempt to get some help. But I don't even know what I need. How could anyone else? And even if there was a chance they could, I really don't feel I can talk to everyone. Even those closest to me have only been involved so much. It makes me feel so stranded. So I'll just cry to myself; lost in my own dichotomy.