I've gotten good at crying in public without anyone noticing. I had not known how well I had honed this skill until this weekend. Twice now, I have cried in front of people, and they had no idea. When I feel it coming, it's like I can turn it off, but the tears are still in my eyes. I can't blink or else they will escape. After a few moments, they can't help but begin the path down my face. But even then, no one notices. Half of me wants to keep it concealed; to suffer alone. But the other half wants desperately for the person next to me to glance over and see the glare in my eyes or the route down my cheek and show care and concern. I almost want to sniffle and wipe my cheeks obviously, in an attempt to get some help. But I don't even know what I need. How could anyone else? And even if there was a chance they could, I really don't feel I can talk to everyone. Even those closest to me have only been involved so much. It makes me feel so stranded. So I'll just cry to myself; lost in my own dichotomy.
5 comments:
I do the same thing. Complete with the sort of wanting to make it more obvious so someone will notice but not really being sure that would help anything.
I understand this.
Seeing the three of you say that… kind of makes me feel like a loser.
Because of the possibility of me (whether in the past or in the future) being one of the people who doesn't notice. I mean, I'd feel like a jerk if someone I cared about was crying and I didn't even notice that they were upset. Not that I'd have anything useful to say, but at least I could pray, or hug, or just care. Anything besides not even noticing.
Trevor?? You hug??? ;)
Jess, was i one of them? That's it, you're getting a hug just 'cause! :)
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